I am not making any promises here or under the assumption that you all are all crossing your fingers in hopes of daily posts, but in an effort to have some "self-therapy" during my "wait" time, I thought I might try to write some random thoughts everyday. We are on day 48 of our LOA/SC (letter of acceptance/seeking confirmation letter) and I am beginning to think a lot more about "stuff". When we adopted Anna, I believed and still believe that her adoption was not just about adopting "her". If I can do something, say something, open myself up to encourage others to adopt, support an adoptive family, support an orphan, etc. then I want to do all I can for these children. I am not a "public" person. I like my emotions to be very private, but sometimes we don't get to do what we like or maybe we shouldn't do what we like because the opposite maybe better for us in the long run.
Many times people don't share their feelings because they think others might think differently of them. However, not sharing your story causes you to miss out on maybe helping someone who is going through what you have gone through. Your struggles were then gone through in vain. But, if you share your struggles, thoughts, experiences, you might can help others who are looking for help, advice or encouragement. Not claiming to be Socrates or anything, but I want to share my struggles if it can help others. So this is my first installment on day 48 of the inside of an expectant mother's head. It can be scary in there sometimes, so I'll just go ahead an offer an apology for my random thoughts and ramblings. Anyway, these are my thoughts today...
Don't let anyone be fooled...adoption is not easy. Although Anna's transition into our family has been ideal on every level - there has been and still are struggles. There are moments that you just don't know what to do, how to feel or can't express. The joys outnumber the struggles about a million to one, but sometimes that one is hard.
As I am preparing for a new addition, I have been thinking a lot about Anna’s first few months with us. When she first came home, she was so loving and open to our family members. We were expecting her to be very reserved with her affection and willingness to interact with others, especially after her "clinginess" to us in China. However, she embraced our boys, our parents, siblings and extended family from the beginning. She seemed "right at home" with us all. Soon after we began to go out more with her in public, we began to feel very uneasy about her willingness to show affection and interact with EVERYONE!
Many extended family members or friends we don't see that often were very supportive of Anna's adoption and couldn't wait to see her. They loved her hugs and kisses at their first meeting. Although I thought it a bit strange since she had never seen these people before, I thought maybe she sensed that they are "family/friends" by our interactions with them. But then, it was the lady in the grocery isle, the office workers at the physician's office or a complete random person at a basketball game. Anna would scream and reach for strangers. If we let her be close to them she would try to kiss them, on the lips of course, lay her head on their chest and not want to come back to us. It was very hard to pull a screaming child that obviously didn’t look like us from a stranger. I almost felt as though people thought we had abducted her or something.
I began to worry about bonding issues, about us introducing her to too many people too fast, about reactive attachment...my mind was spinning and I didn't know what to do. Rodney thought I was overreacting, but I knew something wasn't right. A 20 month old should not be willing to go off with strangers...it isn't normal or safe.
After talking with our social worker about Anna's behaviors and my concerns, she told me that I needed to give Anna more time and be more restrictive on who she can and cannot "go" to in public. She also told me that Anna was in an orphanage for 18 months...I needed to give her 18 months out of the orphanage to really "adjust". We began to tell her "no" when she would cry for people. Of course that was hard because people wanted to hold her too. She was tiny, cute and the fact that she was obviously adopted makes her just that much more "adorable". I am being blunt here. When you know that a child has been in an orphanage, not given much attention you want to do "more" than normal. It's just our nature. So people wanted to hold her, she was screaming to be held by others and we are saying no...we looked and felt so mean! When we were out with family, we wouldn't let anyone else hold her either. We were really trying to reinforce that "we" were the parents and she couldn't just go to anyone.
Over the last year and a half, Anna has learned who is who. She still wants attention from just about everyone we meet, but she isn't as likely to prompt them to pick her up, or try to kiss them. She is more reserved and definitely knows who "momma" and "daddy" are to say the least.
As our adoption of Elli comes closer and closer (Thank God!!) I try to prepare myself for potential struggles. I know that just as with Anna’s adoption, God will help us overcome whatever we may face, but I try to prepare myself as much as possible. I believe Elli comes from completely different circumstances vs. Anna; however, she is still a baby that is going to be taken from practically all she has ever known by complete strangers.
There is a broken heartedness that comes with adoption. You want to be the family, but you hurt because you know that to become that family, they will hurt. Life just isn’t easy and adoption is no exception.
As I am preparing for a new addition, I have been thinking a lot about Anna’s first few months with us. When she first came home, she was so loving and open to our family members. We were expecting her to be very reserved with her affection and willingness to interact with others, especially after her "clinginess" to us in China. However, she embraced our boys, our parents, siblings and extended family from the beginning. She seemed "right at home" with us all. Soon after we began to go out more with her in public, we began to feel very uneasy about her willingness to show affection and interact with EVERYONE!
Many extended family members or friends we don't see that often were very supportive of Anna's adoption and couldn't wait to see her. They loved her hugs and kisses at their first meeting. Although I thought it a bit strange since she had never seen these people before, I thought maybe she sensed that they are "family/friends" by our interactions with them. But then, it was the lady in the grocery isle, the office workers at the physician's office or a complete random person at a basketball game. Anna would scream and reach for strangers. If we let her be close to them she would try to kiss them, on the lips of course, lay her head on their chest and not want to come back to us. It was very hard to pull a screaming child that obviously didn’t look like us from a stranger. I almost felt as though people thought we had abducted her or something.
I began to worry about bonding issues, about us introducing her to too many people too fast, about reactive attachment...my mind was spinning and I didn't know what to do. Rodney thought I was overreacting, but I knew something wasn't right. A 20 month old should not be willing to go off with strangers...it isn't normal or safe.
After talking with our social worker about Anna's behaviors and my concerns, she told me that I needed to give Anna more time and be more restrictive on who she can and cannot "go" to in public. She also told me that Anna was in an orphanage for 18 months...I needed to give her 18 months out of the orphanage to really "adjust". We began to tell her "no" when she would cry for people. Of course that was hard because people wanted to hold her too. She was tiny, cute and the fact that she was obviously adopted makes her just that much more "adorable". I am being blunt here. When you know that a child has been in an orphanage, not given much attention you want to do "more" than normal. It's just our nature. So people wanted to hold her, she was screaming to be held by others and we are saying no...we looked and felt so mean! When we were out with family, we wouldn't let anyone else hold her either. We were really trying to reinforce that "we" were the parents and she couldn't just go to anyone.
Over the last year and a half, Anna has learned who is who. She still wants attention from just about everyone we meet, but she isn't as likely to prompt them to pick her up, or try to kiss them. She is more reserved and definitely knows who "momma" and "daddy" are to say the least.
As our adoption of Elli comes closer and closer (Thank God!!) I try to prepare myself for potential struggles. I know that just as with Anna’s adoption, God will help us overcome whatever we may face, but I try to prepare myself as much as possible. I believe Elli comes from completely different circumstances vs. Anna; however, she is still a baby that is going to be taken from practically all she has ever known by complete strangers.
There is a broken heartedness that comes with adoption. You want to be the family, but you hurt because you know that to become that family, they will hurt. Life just isn’t easy and adoption is no exception.
Sending love to our Elli,
Rodney, Marcy, Carter, Jacob, Parker & Anna
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